Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
