I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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