I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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