mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
