bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
