How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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