I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
