Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
