are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
