He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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