yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
