i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
