i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
