I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
