Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
