I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
