today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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