shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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