I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
