From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
