We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
