He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
