No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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