anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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