I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I forget how to act sober
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
