Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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