One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
