Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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