Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
