You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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