I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
