I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
