How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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