If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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