They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
