my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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