Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
