Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
