Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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