You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
