Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
