***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
