I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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