so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
