How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
