I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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