The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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