Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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