i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
foreskin is a definite game changer
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
