my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
