shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
